Browsing around on ebay I found this small company who sells some clothing that were interesting to me. I liked the colors, the styles, and even (some of) the prices. Certain styles they had ran from sizes X-Small to XL, and then they had other styles which ran as 'plus sizes' clothing, XL and up. So I noticed that all the styles that I enjoyed were for plus sizes. When I tried to determine why that is, it occurred to me that most of their XS-XL sizes clothing were one of the following:
1. A tube top
2. A spaghetti strapped tank top
3. a halter top
4. some sort of neckline that involves sharing cleavage with the world
The stuffed I liked? Short sleeve shirts with cool prints, simple cut, higher necklines, those are all reserved for the plus sizes.
I found this slightly irritating. I don't like tube tops. I'd rather not wear spaghetti strapped tank tops. I will not wear halter tops. And I happen to not want to share my not-really-there-anyway-cleavage with the world. Never mind that it is entirely inappropriate to wear any of the above, while hovering over a young student at my piano. Shopping sucks.
I'm at work, and I can't concentrate. Sitting here makes me feel like I'm wasting my life away. I've been thinking about mortality, and sometimes I get really, really scared. Not of death, but of Not-Living. I don't know if that makes any sense; I guess I'm not concerned about "What happens after?", but about "I don't get to try this again." I don't want to mess this up, but working here feels like I'm doing this wrong.
The set up for my studio is pretty much done. I’ve been advertising for the last couple of weeks. No calls, no e-mails yet, but I suspected as much because people are on vacation (which I don't exactly understand, because the weather in Boston just got nice enough to be doing stuff outside) and all the parents and children are out of town. About 80% of people who knows that I've recently finished my studio's website have asked me "so do you have any students yet?" in the last two weeks. Every time I answer "No," it makes me feel like I'm doing this wrong.
My mom turns 60 tomorrow. I should give her a call. I don't actually know where she is right now, but I hope she has her cell phone with her. Does this make me a bad daughter? I don't know. But when I'm reminded of our relationship, it makes me feel like I'm doing this wrong.
I missed the Boston Pride Parade because it was raining, and by chance landed myself near the Providence Pride Parade, but missed that, too, on account of another interesting cultural event. Did I do that wrong? I don’t know. But it always feels like I’m doing something wrong and I’m pretty sure that’s the core issue.
One more thing – I’ve been missing Toftie a lot. She’s just super, you know? One of those people in your life that makes you go “Hee.”